Meet The Hotchners
by pupeez4eva
Summary: "Spencer tugged on Gideon's trouser leg. "She always rambles when she's nervous" he stage-whispered." - Aaron Hotcher invites his boss, Jason Gideon, to a Hotchner family dinner. Of course it doesn't go as planned. AU, kid!fic.
1. Chapter 1

"Okay, okay" Aaron Hotchner said, gazing at his eldest children, Emily and Derek, in near desperation. "Let's go over this again. And, this time, lets get it right."

"Not going to happen" chirped 7-year-old Penelope.

"No, no, I got this" Emily assured her father. "So, Mr. Gideon comes and knocks on the door - and then I go and answer the door -"

"No, no" Aaron shook his head, and closed his eyes. _"Derek _opens the door, Emily. You take his coat."

"What if he doesn't have a coat?" Penelope asked. "Then what does Emily take? I don't think he would like it very much if she took his shirt."

Derek let out a snort of laughter.

"Whats so funny?" Penelope looked confused. "He wouldn't like it, would he? I think he'd like it even less if you took his pants..."

"No ones taking anyones pants" Aaron said, shooting the snickering Derek a stern look.

"What about underwear?" he chuckled.

"Alright, alright" Aaron berated. "Be serious, please. This dinner is the only barrier between me and that premotion at the BAU - and I _really _need that premotion."

"'Need' and 'want' are two very different things" Penelope chirped.

"I know that, Pen" Aaron said, gently. "But I very much, want this job. And my want is so strong that it transforms into need."

"That's not how it works!" Penelope protested. "Spencer explained it all to me!"

"Where _is _Spencer?" Aaron wondered. "Spencer? SPENCER?" he called out. There was no answer.

"Oh for God's sake..." he groaned.

"Don't use God's name in vain, Daddy" Penelope chided. Derek smirked and shot her a thumbs up. Emily smiled ever-so-slightly.

"Emily, would you go and see what your brother is up to?" Aaron asked.

"Sure" she said, exiting the room. Aaron sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

"Alright then, Derek" he said, turning to his eldest son. "Let's go over this again. So - you open the door..."

"Spencer's not in his room, dad" Emily called, from upstairs.

"What do you _mean _he's not upstairs?" he demanded. "Of course he is!"

"Actually, he's in your study. On the computer" Penelope interjected. Aaron turned to stare at her.

"What's he doing there? I told him he wasn't allowed to go on the computer after he went and looked up women's lingerie on the internet last week."

"I told you it wasn't for me" said a voice, from the doorway. The family turned to see a small boy with scruffy brown hair and dark doe-eyes standing in the doorway. "It was for my friend, Adam. Or 'Amanda' as he sometimes calls himself. Or _her_self, I suppose, seeing as 'Amanda' is a girl. But not _really _a girl because he still has male genitals, and in order to be a girl you need _female _genitals. But he sometimes thinks he's a girl, so we just let him believe it. It's better for everyone, that way."

"Oh Spencer, there you are" Emily exclaimed, appearing in the doorway.

"Spencer" Aaron said, blinking as he tried to take in everything his son had just said. Spencer had a habit of being a bit overwhelming for a person with a normal-sized-brain (everyone) to bear, at times. "The fact remains that I told you, no going on the internet. What you did was inappropriate -"

"So your saying, that helping a friend in need is inappropriate?" Spencer argued.

"Well, no" Aaron said, shaking his head. "That's not what I said -"

"Adams father isn't supportive of his feminine needs" Spencer said, narrowing his eyes. "I was trying to be the pillar of support he so desperately longs for. I thought you of all people would understand that Daddy. I guess I was wrong."

"_Spencer" _Aaron groaned. "What I am _trying _to say is - and would you please stop interrupting me - that I am not comfortable with my _six-year-old _son looking up pictures of women's lingerie, whether for a friend or not."

Aaron was so entranced in what he was saying that he didn't notice both Derek and Emily leave the room. He also didn't notice the front door opening, or the sound of Emily's voice saying "would you like me to take your coat?"

"Are you judging me Daddy?" Spencer asked, narrowing his eyes. "Or are you judging _Adam?"_

"Spencer. No one is judging anyone" Aaron ground out. "All I am saying is, I don't want you doing anything like that again. You hear me?"

"But what if Adam asks me to?" Spencer argued. "Do you want me to say no and watch him slip into a blanket of despair?"

"Spence, in all honesty, I don't _care _what you do as long as it leads to you saying _no - _for crying out loud, how does Adam even know about lingerie?"

"I told him" Spencer said, blinking innocently.

"You -" Aaron spluttered. "How do you -"

" - How do I know?" Spencer cut him off. "I'm a genius, Daddy. I just know these things."

"...And this is the living room..."

Aaron's head snapped up at the sound of Emily's voice. His face paled when he saw who accompanied her.

"Jason!" he exclaimed, hurrying over. "What a pleasant surprise - I mean not a _surprise, _since I invited you here but...well you know..."

"It's nice to see you too, Aaron" Gideon interjected, smiling warmly.

"Wow" Penelope said, gazing at him with wide eyes. "He doesn't look scary at all. He's like a big kitty-cat. I don't know what you were so afraid of, Dad."

Aaron shot her a wide-eyed look, and then turned back to face Gideon.

"Kids" he laughed. "Gotta love 'em, right?" he smiled nervously.

"Daddy loves kids a lot" Spencer said, matter-of-factly. "And not just because he adopted so many. Actually, the adoption has nothing to do with it. It's a funny story really, how the adoptions all started - you see, Mommy had an _ovulatory disorder."_

"Spencer" Aaron warned, his eyes narrowing.

"This can be caused by a number of things" Spencer continued, ignoring his father. "A common, and rather boring one is 'hormonal problems.' I feel sorry for the women who experience this. No fun story to tell, you know?" he shook his head sadly. "The women with these next problems are _much _more fortunate. There could be a malfunction of the hypothalamus, or of the pituitary gland. Those are fun words to say - Emily used to teach me 'fun words' but then they weren't fun anymore, so I learned some on my own" Spencer beamed, proudly.

"Spencer" Aaron repeated. "I think that's enough."

"But I haven't finished!" he protested. "I've to tell you about premature menopause - no this is not what Mommy had. She was one of the more unfortunate ones, with a simple case of hormonal problems."

"Kid" Derek leaned forward and whispered in Spencer's ear. "Heres another fun word - _myocardial infarction. _Which is what Dad's going to get if you don't _shut up."_

However he reached out to ruffle Spencer's hair, which took out any bite in his words.

"Myocardial infarction" Spencer repeated. "A heart attack brought on by stress. Interesting."

"How about we go sit down?" Aaron suggested, a hint of desperation in is tone. "Dinner's ready and -" He paused as he saw Emily's head jerk upward. His brow furrowed in confusion.

Behind Gideon's turned back, Emily shook her head and made a furious slashing motion with her hand.

"Oooh" Penelope murmured. "Are we playing charades?"

Gideon turned to look at her in confusion, and Emily stopped abruptly.

"We aren't playing charades, Pen" Derek said, giving his little sister an amused look, before shooting a brief look of confusion at Emily.

"Oh, but can we?" pleaded Penelope. "I love that game! I want to be Princess Leia again!"

"You can't be Princess Leia" Spencer argued. "You just _told _us. That would defeat the purpose of the game!"

"But I _want _to be Princess Leia!" Penelope protested. "She's _pretty."_

"You can be Princess Leia" Aaron interjected. "Another time. Right now, it's dinner-time."

"Actually" Emily hedged. "...I think a game of charades would be an _excellent _idea. Don't you, Mr. Gideon?"

Gideon looked baffled.

"I...well...its been a while..."

"You haven't been missing anything" Spencer cut in. "It's sucks. They _never _guess what I am. It's _infuriating."_

"Kid, the last time we played, you pretended to be an _atom. _How do you except us to guess that?" Derek sighed.

"An _atom?" _Spencer exclaimed, incredulously. "I was a _nucleus, _thank you very much!"

"So can we play?" Penelope pleaded.

"Pen" Aaron said, sternly. "Now is not the time."

"But _Emily _said -"

"I know what Emily said" Aaron said, cutting her off. He eyed his eldest daughter. "But dinner will get cold -"

"It won't" Emily said, quickly. Spencer's head snapped towards his older sister, and his eyes narrowed suspiciously. Emily made a quick throat-slitting gesture with her hand, and quickly put it down when she saw her father turn his head back towards her. "I mean, theres still a bit I have to do."

"But Em" Aaron said, frowning slightly. "I sent you to work on dinner at least a good few hours ago..."

"Just a bit more time" Emily said, desperately. Aaron looked like he was going to say something, but paused when he noticed his daughters distressed tone.

"Em...is everything alright?" he asked, his brow furrowing in concern.

"Of course!" Emily exclaimed. "Everything's fine, everything's perfect, everything's dandy!"

Spencer tugged on Gideon's trouser leg.

"She always rambles when she's nervous" he stage-whispered.

"I just need a little more time" Emily continued. She smiled widely at her father. "Is that alright?"

Aaron stared a his daughter scrutinizingly for a few moments. Emily wilted ever-so-slightly under his gaze.

"Well" he said, slowly. "I guess a game of charades wouldn't be so bad..."

"No" Spencer almost wailed.

"Well then, Jason? Why don't I allow you to experience a classic Hotchner Game Night" Aaron said, smiling widely (and nervously).

"I'm sure it'll be a blast" Gideon said, smiling politely.

As the rest of the family were occupied with the thought of a game night, Emily snuck away to the kitchen. Derek glanced at her momentarily, and couldn't hide his curiosity.

"Em?" he called out, walking to the kitchen and standing outside. "Everything alright?"

"Fine, fine." Emily stepped out and Derek couldn't help but noticed the flustered expression on her face.

"...You forgot to cook dinner, didn't you?"

"On the contrary" Emily said, after a moment of hesitation. "It's quite the opposite. I, uh...didn't even notice the smoke until Dad mentioned dinner..."

"The _smoke?" _Derek repeated, incredulously. "What smoke?"

"...The smoke coming out from under the door?" Emily said, meekly. "It stopped, as of five minutes ago. I turned off the oven...unfortunately it was too late to save the turkey..."

Derek pushed past her and headed into the kitchen, immediately groaning when he noticed the blackened mess on the kitchen table.

"Dad is going to _kill _you..."


	2. Chapter 2

"This is going to be _so _much fun!" Penelope squealed, all but skipping as she led the two adults, and her younger brother into the lounge room.

"That's what you say every time" Spencer muttered. "But if thats true, then why is this what I imagine Hell to be?"

"Spencer" Aaron warned. "Be nice to your sister."

"I am nice" Spencer argued. "I'm a very nice person. But I _do. Not. Like. Charades."_

Gideon coughed in amusement.

"Defiant little one, aren't you?"

"I'm not little" Spencer muttered. "...But I _am _bored" he added, gazing hopefully at his father. Aaron pointedly ignored him.

"Can't I go help Emily in the kitchen?" he pleaded.

"No" Aaron replied. "You'll mess things up. Or distract Emily. Or burn yourself."

"Like she burnt the turkey?" Spencer muttered.

"Spencer!" Aaron exclaimed, rounding on him. "What have I told you about bad-mouthing Haley?"

"I didn't even mention _Her_!" Spencer protested. "I said 'she' burnt the turkey, not _'She.' _I was referring to _Emily."_

"Well how was I supposed to know that?" Aaron grumbled. "When your always referring to Haley as 'her' and 'she.'"

"_Her _and _She" _Spencer corrected.

"How is Haley, by the way?" Gideon asked, facing Aaron. "From the little I've seen of her, she seemed like a lovely lady..."

"Lies!" Spencer exclaimed.

"Haley is great" Aaron replied, shooting Spencer a warning look.

"Mommy was better" Spencer muttered. Aaron winced and shot Gideon an apologetic look.

"I'm sorry about him" he murmured, keeping his voice low enough for just Gideon to hear him. "It's just...he hasn't gotten over Erin and I divorcing -"

"It's fine" Gideon murmured back. "I completely understand." He leaned back and smiled; in a louder voice, he said; "And if Spencer wants to speak his mind, then I have no problem with it. It's a refreshing change from those children who barley said anything at all."

"Game time!" Penelope announced.

"Oh do we _have _to?" Spencer groaned. "It isn't fair - Emily and Derek don't."

"Oh come on now" Gideon smiled. "I'm sure it'll be fun. I remember when my son was younger - he used to love these games..."

Spencer blinked. "Does that hold any significants to my situation?"

Gideon's brow furrowed. "Well, I suppose not, but -"

"Then why bring it up?"

Gideon opened his mouth, closed it, opened it again and then shrugged. "I thought it would be a good conversation starter."

"Oh!" Penelope gasped. "I forgot the props!"

"It's _charades _Penelope!" Spencer groaned. "You can't use _props."_

"But why not?" Penelope pouted.

"Penelope" Aaron said, kindly. "You can use props if you want." Penelope beamed and hurried out of the room.

"It's against the rules" Spencer pouted. "I should know - I memorized them, after all. Would you like me to go over them, Daddy?"

"No, Spence, it's fine" Aaron said, but a small smile spread across his lips. He turned to Gideon. "So then, Jason -"

"Are you going to have an _intellectual _conversation with Mr. Gideon?" Spencer cut him off. "If so, could I please join in? I almost never have intellectual conversations with anyone but my own reflection. Looking for intellect in this house is like looking for a needle in a stack of needles."

"Spencer" Aaron warned. "Behave."

"At least I'm not burning things in the other room" Spencer muttered. Aaron's expression changed to one of confusion.

"What?" he asked. "This is the second time you've mentioned burning - what are you talking about?"

"Emily" Spencer replied. "She's burning our dinner. Well" he paused, thoughtfully. "I guess she already burnt it..."

"Spence" Aaron cut him off. "What makes you say that?"

Spencer blinked.

"You didn't see the smoke?"

Aaron stared at his youngest child for a few moments, before he paled dramatically.

"I'll...I'll be back" he managed, struggling to keep his composure as he faced Gideon. "I just need to check something..." he hurried out of the room.

As he headed towards the kitchen, a series of daunting thoughts filled his mind. A horrifying image of Emily and Derek, standing amidst a burning fire, cackling evilly while the turkey crumbled to nothing but ash, was printed in his his mind.

Following this was a more realistic image of both his children staring mournfully at a smoking, black mess that was once their dinner for the night. Each of the scenarios were equally as terrifying.

"Emily, Derek" he called out, trying to keep his voice controlled as he walked into the kitchen. "Is everything alright?"

Did Emily look slightly panicked, or was that just his imagination? Did she _really _just exchange a suspicious, sideways glance with Derek, or was this also his imagination? And where was the turkey? Even if he was 'imagining' quite a bit at the moment, invisible turkeys were certainly a cause for concern...

"Wheres the turkey?" he demanded, trying not to sound too alarmed.

"Why would you say something like that, dad?" Emily blurted out, before her eyes widened. She swallowed heavily. "Um..."

'_Okay' _Aaron thought. _'Definitely not my imagination...'_

"Emily" he repeated. "The turkey. Where is it?"

"I...uh..." Emily continued to stutter, her eyes wide.

"Emily?"

"It's in the oven" she managed to get out. "I...I forgot to turn the oven on, and so it isn't cooked yet, and yeah...its taking a while. Sorry."

Aaron narrowed his eyes. It didn't take a profiler to tell that she was lying.

"Oh really?" he said. "Well, then, why don't we take a look inside the oven and see how its doing?"

Emily's jaw trembled slightly. "Um...sure Dad, why not" she said. "Lets...lets go take a look..."

Emily didn't move from her spot.

Aaron let out a sigh and pushed past his daughter, making his way to the small oven located on the other end of the kitchen. Derek stood beside it, raising one eyebrow at his fathers flustered expression.

"Your overreacting, you know" he said.

"Let me be the judge of that" Aaron replied back. He knelt down, and peered inside the oven.

It was on.

It wasn't empty.

Inside it, covered in a thin layer of foil and baking nicely, was the turkey.

"...Oh" he said, after a moment. "Well...I suppose everythings fine then."

Derek smirked.

Emily gawked.

"Um...yes" she managed to choke out. "Everything's fine, everything's great, and dinner should be done soon now that I finally got around to cooking it" she let out a laugh.

"Sorry, Em" her father apologised. "Spencer just told me that you were _burning _the turkey, and well, I panicked."

"Oh he did, did he" Emily muttered, her eyes narrowing.

"I'll be going then" he rubbed the back of his neck, embarrassment evident on his face. "Great job, sweetheart."

He walked out of the kitchen.

"Great job, _sweetheart" _Derek echoed. Emily whirled around to glare at him.

"Hey, hey!" Derek exclaimed, holding up his hands as if to ward her off. "I don't think you should be looking at me like _that _right now. After all, I did just save your sorry butt."

Emily deflated. "Yeah. Should have known it was you. After all, its not like the turkey just got up and _walked _in there, right?"

"If it comes to the food actually running away from you, then you _know _your a bad cook" Derek said, cheekily.

Emily scowled. "I am _not _a bad cook!" she said, defensively. Her face softened. "But yeah...thanks Derek."

"No problem" he smiled, warmly. "It was easy. Dad was so focused on you, he didn't even notice me re-cover the turkey and shove it in the oven. Good thing you didn't leave it on the tabletop."

"Derek, what am I going to do?" Emily sighed, running a hand through her hair. "We may have gotten rid of him for now, but he's expecting dinner soon, and I don't _have _any dinner..."

"Em, maybe you should tell him..." Derek suggested, hesitantly. At Emily's horrified face, he quickly elaborated. "I mean, come on - he'll probably understand. After all, it is _you."_

The horrified expression changed to one of indignity. "What the hell is _that _supposed to mean?" she demanded.

"Hey, hey" Derek held up his hands. "I don't mean any offense by it - it's just...well come on Em, lets be honest here - you aren't the worlds best chef."

Emily's face darkened. "Is that the thanks I get for filling your fat stomach with warm meals for the past year?" she spat, glaring coldly at her brother. Derek frowned and patted his stomach.

"Don't know what your taking about, theres no fat here, just muscle" he muttered under his breath.

"I may not be the _world's best chef _as you put it" Emily continued, ignoring her brothers mutters. "But I try my best and I learn more and more everyday. And Dad knows that, and he was counting on me to make this dinner perfect -"

"Em" Derek cut her off. "You almost killed Penelope."

"Your _crazy" _Emily announced, putting her hands on her hips. "I never did that!"

"You _put her in the oven!"_

"No" Emily retorted, spots of red appearing on her cheeks. "She put _herself _in the oven. Thought it would be a good hiding place for a game of hide and seek. I mean who _does _that?"

"A three year old with no concept of the word 'oven'" Derek pointed out.

Emily scowled. "Yeah, well...that was four years ago. And I didn't even turn the oven on. A lot has changed since then."

"Last month we ended up having to call the fire department" Derek reminded her.

"Accidents happen" Emily retorted.

"Last _week _Spencer broke his tooth after trying to eat those gingerbread men you made."

"Are you _kidding _me? You can't blame me for that - that tooth had been loose for days!"

"There was blood _everywhere" _Derek exclaimed. Emily's face grew even darker, and she placed her hands on her hips.

"_Look _Derek" she said, angrily. "I agree, you've made one valid point -"

"_One?" _Derek stared at his sister, incredulously.

"Yes one" Emily replied, calmly. "The whole fire thing - a complete accident, but still. However, you are completely ignoring all the _good _times!"

"Like what?" Derek raised one eyebrow.

"Like...like...that tuna casserole we had for dinner two weeks ago! That was _brilliant."_

"Actually, I think your forgetting my little trip to the hospital" Derek reminded her.

"Yeah for a _bad stomach" _Emily rolled her eyes. "Those things happen all the time. It had nothing to do with my food."

"I had _food poisoning" _Derek retorted. "Honestly, I can't help but worry about Dad's sanity when he placed you in charge of cooking dinner -"

"Um, guys?" both siblings turned to stare in the direction of the open doorway. Standing there was Spencer, looking curious.

"_You!" _Emily exclaimed, pointing an accusing finger at her younger brother.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:<strong>

**Hope your liking the story so far. I'm certainly having fun writing it :D**

**If your wondering where JJ is, or if she's even in the story, she is. She'll be coming in very soon, and will be there for the entire last chapter. There is about 2 more chapters to go.**

**Reviews would be greatly appreciated :D I'd love to know what you guys think of my story :D **


	3. Chapter 3

**AN:**

**Before I continue with the story, i thought I'd just clear up any confusion with the last chapter. Quite a few people seemed confused by how the family worked, so here it is:**

**Penelope, Spencer, Derek, Emily and JJ are all adopted, by Aaron and his previous wife Erin (and for those who haven't realized it, 'Erin' is Strauss - I couldn't resist xD). He got together with Haley after he and Erin divorced. Spencer hates Haley so much because he feels she is replacing his mother, which is explained a bit more in this chapter.**

**Hope that cleared up any confusion.**

* * *

><p>Spencer blinked. "Did I do something wrong?" he asked, his voice full of child-like innocence.<p>

"Oh don't give me the innocent look!" Emily spat. "You went and told Dad that I burnt the turkey!"

"...But you _did _burn the turkey" Spencer pointed out.

"Then why is it in the oven?" Emily retorted, jabbing her finger in the ovens general direction, and glaring triumphantly.

"You put it in there to make it look like you hadn't burnt it."

"Oh don't be ridiculous - _I _didn't put it in there" Emily retorted.

Spencer shrugged. "Okay then. Derek put it in there" he eyed Emily's expression, and smirked slightly. "Shouldn't have put emphasis on the 'I' - it gave you away."

"Okay kid" Derek stepped forward and laid a hand on his younger brothers shoulder. "Let's leave Emily alone."

"Why?" Spencer retorted. "Antagonizing her is fun."

"Spencer!" Emily snapped. "Go back to the lounge room and play with Penelope - and _don't _say a _word _to Dad!"

"So you _did _burn the turkey" Spencer said, thoughtfully. "...What am I going to have for dinner, now?"

"Kid, leave that for us to worry about" Derek said, gently. "You just go and play."

"But I _have _to worry!" Spencer retorted. "Having three healthy meals is a very important part to the daily routine. If she starves us today, then who knows whats going to happen tomorrow? Or the day after? Or the day _after?"_

"Alright, alright" Derek bent down, placed both hands on Spencer's shoulders, and looked him in the eye. "No ones starving anyone."

"Oh you say that _now" _Spencer said. "But what about when it _does _happen and we each suffer a case of severe Muscle Atrophy, unable to do anything but suffer in silence, as our body slowly begins to feed of itself?"

Despite himself, Derek felt his eyebrows raise.

"...Is he for real?" Emily muttered.

Spencer continued, too entranced in what he was saying to notice his sister's comments, or his brothers amused look.

"Or what about when our starvation causes us to suffer through severe Hypotension? Or an Electrolyte Imbalance? What happens when we all slip into _comas _and then _die..._all because _Emily _couldn't prepare _one _turkey right!"

Derek couldn't take it anymore. He burst out laughing. Spencer turned to gawk at his brother.

"It's _not _funny!" he exclaimed.

"Alright, Genius" Emily grasped her brothers arm. "It's time to leave."

"But I have a message from Daddy!" Spencer protested, wriggling out of his sisters grip. He hurried over to stand in front of his older siblings. "Daddy says - and this is a direct quote, since I have an _eidetic memory _and all - "ask Emily and Derek where on earth JJ is - oh, with everything that was going on, I didn't even realize she wasn't in the house - oh that girl is going to be in so much trouble..." Spencer paused his ramble, and stared expectantly at Emily and Derek. "Well? Where is she?"

"I don't know" Emily replied, glancing worriedly behind her. It would be just her luck, that after everything that had happened, the turkey would set on fire _again. _She wanted to tell Derek to turn it off, but that would make Spencer suspicious.

"What do you mean you don't _know?" _Spencer demanded. "Daddy said you _would _know!"

"Well _Daddy _was wrong" Emily snapped, her irritation showing through. "Now go away, I'm trying to get dinner ready."

"There is no dinner" Spencer said, bluntly.

"Say that to anyone and it won't just be the turkey missing from the house" Emily threatened.

"Ha! You admitted it!" Spencer said, smugly. Derek made loud throat-clearing noise, and reached over to grab Spencer by the shoulder and steer him out of the room.

"Alright, Kid" he said, gently pushing Spencer out the door. "Dad's probably expecting reply about the JJ question. You go and tell him, and let us worry about the dinner."

Spencer stared at his older brother through narrowed eyes for a moment.

"Fine" he said, turning around and walking off.

As soon as he was gone, Derek slumped against the wall and let out a groan.

"Aww, geez" he groaned."That Kid...Em, how are we going to pull this off?"

"Ssh!" his sister hissed. "Keep your voice down, Dad might hear!"

She ushered him towards the kitchen.

Once they were ensured safety behind a locked door, Emily turned to face her brother, a look of urgency on her face.

"Okay Derek" she said, in a no-nonsense tone. "We need to come up with a plan."

"Okay" Derek agreed. "But first, how about we turn off the oven?"

Emily yelped and whirled around, hurrying over to the metal contraption and turning it off as fast as she possibly could.

"Thank God" Emily muttered. "The last thing we need is to burn down this house."

"Again" Derek piped in.

"Derek, this is _not _funny!" Emily snapped. "This is _not _a joke. I _have _to find a away to fix this mess!"

"So...we'll get another turkey" Derek said, racking his mind for an appropriate response. "No big deal."

"Oh of course! I forgot about the fridge-load of turkeys we had stocked up in here" Emily said, sarcastically. Her eyes narrowed. "How the _hell _do you expect to get another turkey?"

"Calm down, women! Let me think!"

"Derek, I _don't have time!"_

"You" Derek put his hands on either of his sisters shoulders and looked her in the eye. "Are going to get a panic attack if you don't calm down. We'll do something about this. We'll...hold on a second!" a light went off in Derek's eyes. "You take care of things here. Get rid of...that" he gestured vaguely to the burnt mess in the oven. "I'll be right back."

"Derek" groaned Emily. _"What _are you doing?"

"Trust me!" he called back in response. Emily ran a frustrated hand threw her hair, and walked over to the oven. Trying to stay calm, she bent down and collected the baking tin that housed the turkey. She peered at the smoking mess and let out a groan.

"Brilliant. Just brilliant" she muttered.

Awkwardly, she reached out for the kitchen knife. She picked it up and eased it into the baking tray, trying to scrape out the burnt remains of the turkey.

She groaned when it didn't budge. "Come on" she muttered. "Come _on."_

"Em?" she looked up. It was Derek. "Everything alright?"

"_No" _Emily groaned. "This thing won't budge!"

"Leave it" Derek replied, a grin spreading across his face. "I got you a number."

"If this is a joke" Emily ground out. "If your about to say something like - "this is a number to the fire department for when you burn down the house" or "this is a number to the hospital for when you poison us all" or "this is a number for the police for when you murder Spencer in cold blood..."

"I'd never do that to you in your hour of need" Derek soothed. "And besides, they all have the same number..."

"What _is _it then?"

"It's the number thats going to save your existence" Derek grinned. "Be glad - theres a surprising lack of restaurants around her that serve turkey on their menu. I searched the internet high and low 'till I found this place. I got their number - we'll order in, ask them to deliver it to here. Dad'll never know. Spencer might, but I have my methods to shut people up. Problem solved."

"McWillies Meat Farm" Emily read of the piece of paper. "I've never heard of this place..."

"Well yeah" Derek replied. "It's an online thing...it delivers in the area, so yeah."

Emily stared at the number, dubiously. "I you sure its safe? I mean I don't want to call these guys and give them our address, and then have some serial killer knocking on the door..."

"Yeah. That would _really _piss dad off" Derek snorted.

"Derek...I don't know."

"Your choice" Derek shrugged his shoulders. "Pick one - Dad, or the serial killer?"

Emily sighed. "I guess I'll go with the latter."

Still feeling unsure, she made her way over to where the phone hung on the wall. She picked it up, hesitating for a moment. Her eyes flickered over to where the burnt turkey sat on the table.

Without wasting another moment, she dialed the number.

It rang three times. Emily tapped her foot impatiently on the floor, silently urging the recipient of the call to pick up.

"Thank god" she murmured, when she was finally greeted with the sound of a male voice.

"Hello?" Well it was more of a 'hay-low' but Emily was in too much of a rush to pay any notice to the mans horrible pronunciation.

"Hey" she said, her grip tightening on the phone in her urgency. "I need you to deliver a turkey to my house, baked well and do you have any side dishes to go along with your main meals? Not anything too big, but -"

"Women" the man cut her off. "Wha tha _hey-ll _are you talkin' bout?"

"Um..." Emily said, blinking in confusion. "This _is _McWillies Meat Farm, isn't it?"

"Mc_What?"_

"McWillies -"

"Women, I 'eard you tha first time" the man cut her off. "I don' know any McWillie. Glad 'bout dat too - any guy named McWillie can' be nothin' mo dan a _sissie."_

"I'm sorry" Emily apologised, awkwardly. "I'll hang up then -"

"Way jus a secon'" the man cut her off. His breathing picked up. "This aint a _prank call _is it?"

"No, no" Emily assured him. "Look, I just got the wrong number -"

"Coz I'm goin' through a rough time, an all" the man continued. "An I don' need no kids callin' me every blasted minute of tha day, naggin' me with their annoyin' high pitched voices."

"Goodbye -"

"Don' hang up on me, dammit!" the man cursed. "Ma wife jus' kicked me outta ma own home, and now I got kids, callin' me then hangin' up tha damn phone? Oh if only papa Jerry could see me now."

"Sir -"

"I'm wastin' away. Tha wife a' mine, starts talkin' and she won' shu' up. She goes; tha's it Carl, choo get your bags an choo get ya stinkin' ass outta ma home. An then I go; wha choo talkin' bout women, my ass aint stinkin, _your _the one stinkin up this home! And then do you know what she did?"

Emily couldn't reply, too busy trying to figure out what on earth the man had just been saying.

"Tha stinkin women kicked me outta ma home! I _paid _for tha house an she kicked me to tha curb! Do you think I took tha? O' course I din take it! Choo think I'm the kinda guy who takes tha stuff? I ree-tay-lee-ay-ted."

Emily literally flinched at the mans horrible pronunciation of the word 'retaliated.'

"Sir" she finally managed. "I'm pretty sure I got the wrong number. Sorry for the inconvenience."

She hung up the phone.

"I take it, it didn't go well?" Derek asked, his brow creasing slightly. Emily flung the phone down and glared at her brother.

"I was expecting _something" _she spat. "A restaurant, a diner, a boxy little supermarket - _something. _Instead I got some _lunatic _rambling on about how much his wife stinks!"

Derek blinked. "Seriously."

"Yes _seriously. _God I don't know why I even asked for your help - I shouldn't have wasted my time -"

"Hey" Derek cut her off, hurt and anger coating his voice. "At least I tried. I could have left you to deal with this yourself, you know!"

Emily slumped, the anger easing out of her. "I know" she sighed. "I'm sorry, Derek. I guess I'm just a little bit high-strung right now."

"Understandable" Derek gazed at his sister with sympathy. Then his face creased as an idea came to him. He glanced quickly at the kitchen window - big enough for a person to crawl through. Silently he calculated his chances of getting caught; he gazed at his sisters distressed expression and knew that it was worth it.

"Em" Derek said. "Don't worry. I'll get you that turkey."

"How are you going to do that?" Emily sounded exhausted.

"I'll sneak out" Derek replied, confidently. "I'll run over to the grocery store on the next block, get one, then sneak back in. Dad'll never know and everything will be fine."

"Derek. You are not going to sneak out. Dad is _going _to find out and _both _of us will have death warrants hanging over our heads."

"Too late Em" Derek replied. "You know that once I get an idea, I can't just let it go. Just give me a chance - I swear I won't let you down."

"Derek..."

"Trust me" he said. "You work on the vegetables and stuff - I have everything under control."

Without waiting for a response, he walked over to the window and squeezed through. He yelped when he lost his balance and tumbled out, falling with a loud _'thud' _on the grass.

"Did you break your leg?" Emily called out - she sounded hopeful. "Can we end this stupid plan?"

"I have everything under control!" Derek called back.

Struggling of the floor, Derek made his way to the front gate of the house. It was after he rounded the corner that he put his guard up; in order to reach the gate, he needed to pass the glass sliding-door leading to the lounge room. The lounge room where the entire family plus Gideon were situated. The wrong move could get him caught.

Derek crept around the corner, trying to stay as silent as possible. His head snapped towards the window, and he glanced warily at his family as he walked. Any second now, he imagined that one of them would lift their head and see him...

...And then one did.

Spencer. Oh god, of all people, why did it have to be him? Why couldn't it be Penelope, who probably wouldn't say a word to avoid getting 'Big Brother Derek' in trouble?

Spencer's large brown eyes narrowed in suspicion. Derek made a desperate zipping motion with his hand, trying to keep Spencer from uttering a word to their father.

Spencer cocked his head to the side, as if contemplating something, then reached out to tap Aaron on the shoulder.

Derek leapt into the air, waving his arms in front of him in a wild negative gesture.

'_Please don't' _he mouthed. _'I'll do anything.'_

Maybe he shouldn't have said 'anything' especially since Spencer could lipread; but if he hadn't, their father would have been told and then everything would have fallen apart.

Spencer narrowed his eyes further, clearly considering Derek's proposition. He crawled of the couch and hurried off in the other direction; Derek considered making a run for it, but then Spencer would only tell their father when he came back.

Spencer popped back a moment later, a piece of paper and a pen bundled up in his hand. Neither Aaron, nor Gideon even glanced at him, unable to see anything wrong with what Spencer was doing. _'Thank God' _Derek thought.

Spencer scribbled something on the sheet of paper and held it up.

_I want the entire first season of Doctor Who._

Derek nodded his head. Sure. He could do that.

Spencer smiled ever so slightly, and Derek was about to head off, but then he spotted the little twerp scribbling something else down. He resisted the urge to groan.

The piece of paper was once again held up.

_And three books of my choice._

"Little brat" Derek muttered, but he lifted his head and nodded. Spencer smirked and then bent down and began to write again.

_And you have to let me use your laptop._

"No way!" Derek snarled. "Nuh-uh. _Not _going to happen!"

Spencer narrowed his eyes and made a show of reaching out towards Aaron. Derek let out a loud curse.

"Fine!" he cried out, before lowering his voice. At this rate, his Dad would hear him. "Fine, whatever, you can use it."

The little menace had the gall to smile. And then write _more _on the goddamned piece of paper.

_And fifty bucks._

"Yeah okay."

_And, when you get your drivers license in a few years, you need to take me wherever I want to go._

"Yes. Alright. Whatever. Are you done?"

Spencer cocked his head to the side for a moment. Then he smiled and nodded. Derek let out a sigh, his shoulders slumping in relief. _'Thank God...'_

"Derek? What are you doing out there?"

Derek froze, his eyes growing wide, as the horrifying sound of his Aaron Hotchner's voice filled his ears.

His head snapped towards Spencer's direction, and his eyes narrowed in disbelief. After all that, he'd _tattled on him?_

Spencer's eyes widened and he shook his head, clearly bewildered. The kid had no ida what as going on, that much was clear.

Derek's shoulders slumped and he turned back to his father.

"Dad" he greeted, trying to keep his voice from shaking. He spotted Gideon peering at him from beside his father. "Mr. Gideon" he nodded his head. "What's up?"

"Derek" Aaron's eyes narrowed. "What are you doing out there?"

"Searching for the cat...the neighbours cat" Derek replied, quickly.

"Mrs. Winfrey doesn't have a cat" Aaron replied, flatly. Derek silently cursed.

"Yeah" he said, rubbing the back of his neck, awkwardly. "She didn't...but then she did. I mean, she got one. Last week. A little tabby - haven't you seen it?"

"No" Aaron replied, flatly.

"Oh" Derek laughed. "Well I'm sure you will...eventually..."

"She does have a cat" Spencer replied. "I've seen it, Daddy. Haven't you wondered about my sudden escalation of nightmares." Spencer turned to glance at Derek and quickly mouthed; _"the deals still on."_

"What sudden escalation of nightmares?" Aaron looked bewildered.

"The ones you _clearly _had no idea about" Spencer shook his head, disapprovingly. "What sort of Daddy would ignore something like that?"

"Spencer, I have no idea _what _your talking about..."

"And now" Spencer continued, ignoring Aaron's confused state. "Your trying to accuse Derek of _lying. _Thats not very nice of you, Daddy. Daddy's are supposed to be caring and understanding. Caring; the act of showing kindness and compassion for others. Understanding; being sympathetic -"

"Yes Spencer" Aaron said, staring at his youngest son as if he sported three heads. "I know."

"And now your _cutting me off!" _Spencer cried, indignantly.

While Aaron spluttered and tried to stop Spencer's angry squawks, Derek silently made his way to the living room, through the sliding door. Gideon caught him in the act, but only grinned and winked knowingly.

Spencer glanced at him briefly. "You know what Daddy?" he said, his voice growing instantly calm. "I'm over it. Let's pretend this conversation never happened. It's much too depressing. Shall we go back to our game?"

Aaron stared at him. "Spence, what...you know what, sure. Let's finish up." Aaron shook his head in bewilderment, and turned away. Spencer shot a smirk at Derek.

"_Everything _I mentioned" he whispered. "I _want."_

Derek closed his eyes as he remembered the long list, but nodded his head anyway. Spencer, by distracting their father - or confusing the hell out of him - had saved both him and Emily a lot of trouble.

"So" he said. "What are we doing."

His father frowned briefly at him, but didn't say anything. Clearly, he was avoiding another lecture from Spencer.

"Celebrity heads!" Penelope exclaimed, beaming widely. "It's my turn and Spencer's gonna pick my celebrity!"

Derek gave his sister a small smile, but on the inside he was panicking. How was he supposed to get out now? His Dad was already suspicious of him.

'_Sorry Emily.'_

"Spencer, come on, come on!" Penelope squealed. Spencer muttered something under his breath as he trekked over, a scowl on his face. Clearly, he despised this game as much as he did charades.

Spencer reached over to a pile of paper on the table that Penelope was sitting next to, and picked up one sheet. He quickly scribbled something on the piece, and then walked back. He past it to Gideon, whose brow furrowed in confusion. Aaron grasped the paper next; he blinked, looking bewildered.

"Spence" he said. "This is your own name."

Spencer raised one eyebrow. "Your point?"

"You have to choose someone famous" Aaron replied. "It's the rules of the game.

"Again. Your point?"

"Spence...you aren't famous" Aaron passed the paper back to his youngest son.

Spencer let out a small snort. "You won't be saying that in about ten years."

"Can we play karaoke?" Penelope asked, her eyes shining with excitement.

"Karaoke isn't a game" Spencer said, sounding bored. "It's a form of entertainment. There's a difference between the two, you know."

"No karaoke" Derek almost pleaded. "I still haven't gotten over Emily's heavy-metal faze."

Penelope flinched and paled slightly. "No karaoke" she agreed, nodding.

"You know its bad when Penelope turns down a possible source of 'fun'" Spencer whispered to Gideon. Gideon shot him an amused look, before turning to Aaron.

"Aaron" he said. "I forget to tell you before, but could you please thank Haley for those cookies she baked me?"

"She baked you cookies?" Spencer wrinkled his nose. "Did you check for poison?"

"Spencer!" Aaron snapped.

"What?" Spencer blinked, innocently. "It's what I always do."

"Kid" Derek said. "Now _really _isn't time."

"Why? Because Mr. Gideon's here? Don't worry, I'll explain the whole story to him."

"Spencer, I really don't think -"

"Mr. Gideon" Spencer said, turning to face his father's boss. "The story goes like this - Mommy and Daddy were _very _happy together. And then _She _came along and ruined everything!"

"Not much of a story" Derek muttered.

"Well thats not a very nice thing to say" Penelope said, frowning. "I _like _Haley."

"No" Aaron agreed. "It _isn't _ very nice thing to say. Spencer, I want you to apologize to Mr. Gideon and then go up to your room until dinner is ready -"

"Why" Spencer retorted. "Because I insulted _Her?"_

"You insulted _Haley" _Aaron corrected. "And you behaved inappropriately. I can't having you learning to treat your elders that way."

"Inappropriate" Spencer muttered. "You think _everything _is inappropriate. You thought me helping my friend was inappropriate!"

"I thought you got in trouble for looking up Lawn-jerry?" Penelope frowned as she struggled to make out the word.

"Lingerie" Spencer corrected.

"I thought it was a very pretty word" Penelope told Gideon, beaming.

"Penelope, don't say that, alright?" Aaron said, frowning at his youngest daughter. He turned back to Spencer. "And _you _go to your room."

"I wasn't doing anything wrong!" Spencer snapped.

"I don't know Kid..." Derek said. "I think what you said was kinda wrong."

"Whose side are you on?" Spencer demanded.

"I'm on no ones side, I just -"

"I don't WANT _Her!" _Spencer yelled. "I want _Mommy!"_

And then, to the amazement of almost everyone in the room, his voice broke and tears filled his eyes.

"Spence" Aaron groaned, his posture relaxing slightly. Sometimes he forgot that, despite the high IQ and brain that was too big for his own good, Spencer was still only six years old. "Look, go upstairs and we'll talk later, alright?"

Spencer sniffed and rubbed his eyes, scowling at the floor.

"Aww, Spence, don't be sad, you'll make me sad" Penelope pouted, coming over to stand next to her younger brother. She took his hand and beamed. "Everyone should be happy!"

Derek wasn't nearly as tactful.

"Geez Kid" he said, gawking at his brother. "Are you _crying?"_

Spencer's face darkened.

"You know, Derek" Spencer said, rubbing his eyes and scowling darkly."Kicking someone in the testicles is a fun and safe way to get revenge. After all, as long as you take note of the force you use, there shouldn't be any permanent damage. Of course, one could always _forget _to pay attention to this, and kick hard enough to cause, say, infertility..."

"Uh Kid" Derek frowned. "Why are you telling me this?"

A moment later he was doubled over on the floor, groaning.

"Jesus Christ!" he wailed.

Spencer scowled, and rubbed at his eyes forcefully. "I am _not _crying."

"Spencer!" Aaron yelled, the furious expression back on his face. Beside him, Gideon was sitting open-mouth. "Go to your room _now!"_

Spencer muttered something and left the room.

"What the _hell?" _moaned Derek, his face growing pale. "What is _wrong _with that Kid?"

"Aww" Penelope walked over and hugged her brother. "Poor Derek. Why did Spencer hurt you?"

"Because he's _insane" _Derek yelled.

"Jason, I have _no _idea whats gotten into that boy, he never acts like this - well alright, thats not completely true, but he never gets physical..." Aaron rambled. Gideon looked like he'd gotten ahold of his shock, and was shaking his head and telling Aaron that everything was fine.

"Is no one going to pay attention to the wounded guy on the floor?" Derek grumbled, before letting out a groan. "I'm in a lot of pain here, you know."

Aaron sighed and walked over. He bent down and grasped Derek's arm, helping him onto the chair.

"Christ" Gideon shook his head. "Are you alright, then?"

"Yeah, yeah, fine" Derek groaned. "I swear though, that Kid can be _insane _sometimes."

"Spencer was mean today" Penelope mumbled. "To Haley and to Derek. Why?"

"I'll speak to him" Aaron sighed. He groaned and ran a hand through his hair. "Christ, Jason, you probably think we're the most insane family on earth -"

"Hey" Gideon laughed. "You haven't _met _my family before!"

"JJ's home."

The family, plus Gideon, turned around to see Spencer standing in the doorway.

"Spencer" Aaron said, sternly. "I _told _you to go to your room!"

"Yeah" Derek muttered. "Before you damage my nuts for good."

"But JJ's home" Spencer replied. "You wanted to know where JJ was before, and now she home so I thought I should tell you that."

"Okay, Spencer" Aaron said. "Thank you. Now go back upstairs, alright? I'll call you back down when dinner is ready."

"Oh and also..." Spencer added.

The door opened and the sound of giggling entered the house - giggling made by two voices. A female voice and a _male _voice.

"...JJ brought a boy home with her!"


	4. Chapter 4

Spencer, looking satisfied by the results of his exclamation, nodded proudly and perched himself on the arm of the nearby sofa.

Derek looked stunned, as if he had never considered the possibility that his baby sister could ever bring home a boy.

Gideon looked confused.

Penelope looked excited.

Aaron looked like he was either going to pass out, have a heart attack, have a panic attack, or some other attack that would send him to the hospital.

"Oh Will" in the silence of the room, JJ's voice could be heard perfectly. "You really are amazing, have I ever told you that?"

"Will" Aaron snarled.

"Only everyday, sweetheart" replied a long, drawling voice that must have belonged to Will. Derek cracked his knuckles, his eyes narrowing with contempt. Already his protective-brother-mode was coming out.

Spencer smiled in anticipation at the drama that was sure to unfold. No one even seemed to remember that he was meant to be serving time up in his bedroom.

"Let's go up to my bedroom?" JJ said, in a suggesting voice. Aaron spluttered, his eyes growing even wider than before.

"You can hear the invitation in her voice" Derek muttered. "Isn't it sickening?"

"Invitation to what?" Penelope looked confused. "A party? Why wasn't I invited?"

"Just let me put my bag in the lounge" JJ continued. There was the sound of footsteps, and then she was standing in the lounge room, a smile on her face. When she saw the occupants of the room, the smile faded.

"Oh god" she whispered.

"Whats wrong?" Will's voice sounded somewhere from behind her, and then he too was standing in the room. He paled when he saw who else was inside.

"Oh" he said, his voice faltering slightly. "Hello."

He flinched at the heat of Aaron and Derek's glares.

JJ turned to Spencer, her face flushed with embarrassment.

"You said you'd cover for me!" she yelled, ignoring Aaron's angry yell of "WHAT?" "You told me you'd get them out of the house!"

"You told me to get them out of the house on _Tuesday" _Spencer disagreed, putting his hands on his hips. "It's _Monday."_

"I _said _Monday!" JJ yelled, frustration evident on her face.

"No, you said _Tuesday" _Spencer retorted. "I should know. I do have an _eidetic memory _after all." He turned to Gideon. "She tends to do this a lot. Argue. You get used to it after a while."

"JJ, _who is this boy?" _Aaron yelled, shooting said male a venomous look. The boy flinched.

"I...I'm Will LaMontagne, sir, and I swear, my intentions towards your daughter are _completely _innocent."

"If it was 'completely innocent' then why were you heading towards her bedroom?" Derek demanded, glaring suspiciously and cracking his knuckles.

"Derek, _shut up!" _snapped JJ, furiously. "It's _none _of your business! And _you" _her heated glare turned back to Spencer. "I _know _I said Monday, alright? Stop being such a...such a..._smarty-pants!"_

"But I _am _a 'smarty-pants' as you say. I have an IQ higher than yours and I'm five years younger. There's no point in pretending."

"I can't _believe you!" _JJ yelled. "I covered for _you _when I saw you _sneaking off _with that _skank, _Lila Archer!"

"WHAT?" Aaron howled. "Spencer, _what?"_

"She's not a skank" Spencer said, narrowing his eyes. "She is a fine lady, and _I _made the first move. By the way, things didn't work out but we decided to stay friends - thanks for asking."

"Spencer, you are _six" _Aaron spluttered, gaping at his son.

"So" Spencer retorted. "No sexual intercourse went on - unlike you and _Her." _Spencer's eyes narrowed and his jaw clenched.

Aaron spluttered.

"Excuse me." The whole family turned and suddenly, everyone remembered who was present in their home.

"Jason!" Aaron exclaimed. "I am _so _sorry -"

"No, no" Gideon laughed, shaking his head. "It's perfectly fine - in fact this is probably one of the most..._interesting _dinners I have been to in a long time."

"That normally translates into 'you are all freaks. I'm going to back away slowly now. Goodbye'" everyone turned to stare at Spencer. "I'm going to be a profiler one day, just like Daddy" he added, beaming at Gideon.

"I'm going to go..." Will said, backing away slowly. Aaron's head snapped around, his gaze growing instantly cold.

"Oh no" he said. "You are going to stay _right there."_

"Dad!" JJ yelled. "This isn't a _prison _cell! You can't force him to stay here!"

"Did JJ tell you I work for the FBI?" Aaron continued, ignoring his daughter in favor of smirking menacingly at her frightened boyfriend.

"DAD!" JJ yelled. "Oh my god, this is why I never brought Will around before - you _always overreact!"_

"Your Dad's in the FBI?" Will whispered to JJ, his voice coated in horror.

"Don't worry, he's just a profiler" JJ replied, soothingly.

"I still carry a gun" Aaron growled.

Will paled.

"Dad, _shut up _okay!" JJ exclaimed. "Will was just about to leave, anyway. I'll walk you to the door, okay?" the last bit was directed to her boyfriend, who looked slightly relieved. Aaron, however, intervened.

"Oh no" he replied. "Will can stay for dinner. We have some...things to talk about."

Will paled.

"Dad!" JJ snarled. "Look, thats not a good idea, okay? Besides, you have your boss over!"

"Oh I don't mind" Gideon assured her. JJ grit her teeth.

"Well its settled then!" Aaron said, clapping his hands with false cheer. "Will, take a seat, dinner should be ready soon."

"That's what you think" Spencer murmured, glancing knowingly in the direction of the kitchen. Derek paled at the reminder of dinner; the dinner he had promised Emily he was going to get. The dinner he had zero chance of getting his hands on now.

'_This is not good' _he thought.

"Dinners ready!"

The sound of Emily's voice startled him out of his thoughts. He whirled around to see his sister standing in the doorway, a smile on her face.

Derek felt his eyebrows raise in surprise. _'There's no way Emily could have gotten her hands on more turkey...' _he thought, as he gaze at his sister in confusion.

"Yay!" Penelope giggled, running towards the doorway. "Can I set the dinner table?"

"Already did it, kiddo" Emily replied, ruffling her sisters hair. "But you can help me bring out dinner."

"Will has to leave now" JJ announced, standing up and reaching down for her boyfriends hand.

"Will stays" Aaron snapped, his tone leaving no room for argument. Will flinched and JJ scowled.

The family, Gideon and Will headed for the dining room, the latter covering behind his girlfriend.

They entered the dining room and sat around the table, which had already been set out. Derek sat at the edge, still feeling confused.

"Everyone sitting down?" Emily called out. "Penelope and I will start bringing the dinner out."

She passed Derek, and leaned down to whisper in his ear. "When you say 'trust me'" she said. "I usually have a back-plan."

She left the room, heading towards the kitchen. A few moments later she was back, grasping bowls of food. Penelope followed close behind, doing the same thing.

Emily set one of the bowls down in front of her father.

"Enjoy!" she said, cheerfully.

"Emily" Aaron said, staring down at his bowl, incredulously. "What is this?"

"Dinner" Emily replied, raising one eyebrow.

"This is a bowl full of vegetables" Aaron replied, dead-panned. "Wheres the turkey?"

"Don't worry" Emily smiled. "It's in there. Just...surrounded in vegetables. I thought it might be interesting to do."

She headed back to the kitchen to grab more bowls of food, leaving her incredulous father behind her.

"How is a bowl full of vegetables _interesting?" _

Emily came back moments later, and distributed the rest of the bowls.

"It certainly is...interesting...what you've done here" Gideon said, gazing at the bowl in confusion. "Any particular reason you've presented dinner this way?"

He seemed desperate to find an answer as to why his meal looked so strange.

"It's a Chinese tradition" Emily replied, her answer sounding slightly rehearsed. "I read about it online somewhere and thought it might be cool to try out.

"This isn't a _Chinese _dining tradition" Spencer disagreed. "I'd know if it was."

"Well, obviously, you aren't as smart as you thought you were" Emily said, promptly. "Now eat your dinner, Spencer. Stop arguing." Her gaze flitted briefly to Will, and her brow furrowed in confusion. "Whose he?"

Aaron's face darkened immediately. JJ glared at her sister and made a vicious slashing motion with one hand.

Spencer interrupted what could have become a very heated verbal (and perhaps physical) battle.

"Where are the chopsticks?"

"What?" Emily almost groaned.

"The chopsticks" Spencer repeated, scowling slightly. "Chinese food is _always _served along with chopsticks. I think even this _fake _Chinese meal deserves that. So I'll ask again Emily - where are the chopsticks?"

"I flushed them down the toilet" Emily snapped. "Now eat your vegetables."

"Wheres the turkey?" Spencer grumbled. "Or did you flush that down the toilet too?"

"It's in there" Emily said. "Somewhere" she waved her hand, awkwardly. "Just...dig around a bit, or something."

"_I'm _digging around" JJ said. "And I'm not finding any turkey..."

"Well then, _keep digging" _Emily flung her arms in the air. "What is _wrong _with you guys? I try to do something good and _everyone judges me for it!"_

"There is a reason I've been looking into mental institutions..." Spencer whispered to Gideon.

"This is going to be another dinner disaster, isn't it?" JJ sighed.

"Guys" Aaron reprimanded. "I don't think your bring fair to your sister."

"Fair?" JJ exclaimed, incredulously. "Your one to talk about being fair! You won't let my boyfriend _leave the house! _I swear, this must count as kidnapping or something!"

A choking noise filled the room, cutting of whatever else JJ may have ranted about.

"Um..." Derek looked slightly sick. "I think I found the turkey..."

A small, blackened mess sat on his plate, from when he had spit it out. He turned to stare at Emily, who was gazing at the ground with wide eyes.

"_Seriously?" _he exclaimed. "Your brilliant back up plan was to serve us the _burnt turkey_? Of all the things you could have done...you shoved the _burnt turkey _in the bowl? You could have just given us the vegetables, but no...the _burnt turkey _just had to come along in the package deal!"

"Oh shut up!" Emily snapped. "I thought the vegetables would wash out the taste, alright?"

"Emily" Aaron pushed his bowl away from him and stood up. _"What _is going on?"

"_Nothing!" _she snapped. "It's just a minor set back, alright? God, does everyone in the family have a problem?" she turned viciously to stare at Will. "And no one's told me who the _hell _he is!"

She pointed viciously in Will's direction. He flinched back.

"_He _is my boyfriend" JJ replied, narrowing her eyes. "My boyfriend who _someone _is holding hostage - which is illegal, by the way!"

"No one is holding anyone hostage!" Aaron snapped. He turned back to face Emily. "Now, Emily, tell me why the turkey is burnt!"

"We're all going to starve" Spencer announced, despondently.

"The turkeys fine" Emily grumbled. She took a deep breath, and her shoulders slumped. "Okay, I might have burnt it a little..."

"A little?" Aaron raised his eyebrows.

Emily let out a small sigh. "Alright...a lot."

"Emily!" Aaron exclaimed. "You mean to tell me, when I walked into the kitchen, something was really wrong?"

"No!" Emily replied. She swallowed hard. "Okay, maybe" her shoulders slumped. "...Yes."

"You should have told me!" Aaron rubbed his temples and let out a breath of frustration. "You know how much I was counting on you to get this dinner right!"

Emily swallowed hard, looking guiltier than she had in a long time.

"Dad" she said. "I am _so _sorry. This is why I didn't tell Derek and I didn't tell you...we knew how important to you this was."

"Derek!" Aaron turned to stare at his son, incredulously. "You too?"

"Perfect, Em" Derek grumbled. "Sell me out...wow, it's great to know I can always count on you when times are tough...what a joke..."

"Shut up" Aaron ordered. Derek complied. "You mean to tell me that all that suspicious behaviour was because of this? All that sneaking around...was because of this?"

"Emily, Emily, Emily..." Derek muttered, shaking his head. "You just couldn't keep your mouth shut..."

"I would have understood if you'd told me about this!" Aaron exclaimed. "I'm angry that you guys _lied _to me. You knew how important this dinner was for my job...how important this promotion is to me..."

"Aaron" Gideon put a hand on the other mans shoulder, and suddenly Aaron remembered that his boss was still in the room. "Being a good profiler has nothing to do with whether or not you can prepare a good dinner. If I didn't think yo wee up for the promotion, then I wouldn't give it to you, no matter how this dinner turned out."

Aaron's shoulders slumped.

"Is that your way of softening the blow?"

Gideon smiled. "Aaron, I was prepared to give you that promotion for a while now. I'm not about to change my mind just because your _daughter _isn't a very good cook - and I mean no offense by that, Emily."

Emily shrugged. "I've heard worse."

Gideon turned back to Aaron and let out a small laugh. "Now if _you _were the bad cook it would be a whole other story..."

There was an awkward silence.

"That was a joke!" Gideon announced.

No one laughed.

"Yes, well..." he coughed, awkwardly. "The fact is, Aaron, you have that promotion in the bag, and I'm not about to change my mind. Well...unless you do something completely uncharacteristic, like murder someone, or hold someone hostage."

"Hello!" JJ exclaimed. "Has _no one _noticed my poor, _poor _boyfriend, who is being held here against his will? Is that not considered a hostage situation?"

"Give it a rest, JJ" Aaron snapped. He turned back to Gideon, and smiled widely. "So everything's alright then?"

"Everything's fine" Gideon confirmed. His stomach gave a small rumble, and he let out a sigh. "Though I _am _a little hungry..."

"We still have dessert" Aaron replied, still smiling.

Emily froze.

"Oh god..." she moaned. _"Dessert."_

Aaron's smile grew slightly strained.

With all of this going on, no one even noticed when JJ and Will snuck away from the table...or when they snuck upstairs to JJ's room.

"You can escape though the window" JJ whispered. "I'll deal with Dad later - you shouldn't have to put up with him. I swear, he takes things way over the limits."

"Well he _is _your father..." Will murmured, though he gazed nervously over his shoulder.

"_JENNIFER HOTCHNER! WHERE DO YOU THINK YOUR GOING?"_

JJ froze on the foot of the staircase. Will let out a shuddering breath, his eyes filled with fear.

"I'm dead" he whispered. "I'm dead, and I didn't even get to make it in life!"

"JJ" Aaron appeared in the doorway, a deadly look on his face. "I cannot believe that, after all that, you'd pull something like this!"

"So, so dead..." Will continued to mutter.

"Leading a boy up to your bedroom...to do who-knows-what..." Aaron shook his head in disgust.

"Wait, hold on!" JJ exclaimed. "I wasn't going to do _that. _I was sneaking Will out!"

Aaron scoffed. "That's what they all say."

"Look" JJ sounded frustrated. "Can we just leave it? I mean...shouldn't you be impressing your boss or something?"

"Come back to the kitchen" Aaron snapped. "We're finishing our dinner."

JJ looked incredulous. "What dinner?"

"The vegetables" Aaron replied, cooly. "We wouldn't want them to go to waste."

"Cold vegetables" JJ dead-panned. "Brilliant. Just brilliant."

When Aaron turned his back and headed back to the dining room, JJ leaned towards Will.

"When he goes into the room" she whispered. "Make a run for it."

"I keep a gun on me at all times" Aaron said, loudly.

Will shuddered.

"You know what" he said, quivering slightly. "I think staying for dinner would be a...great idea."

The three headed back to the dining room, where they sat down at the table with the rest of the family and struggled to eat the cold, soggy vegetables.

"We can't continue like this" Spencer moaned, through mouthfuls of the slimy food. "Something needs to be done..."

Emily kicked him from under the table.

"I agree" Derek gagged slightly. "I think we should ban Emily from the kitchen until further notice...and by 'further notice' I mean forever..."

"Oh shut up" Emily snapped. "It's just a few small mistakes...I'm still learning!"

"At this rate" Derek muttered. "You'll always be learning."

And then they saw the water. It crept under the kitchen door, soaking the carpet of the dining room, and making a clear sign to everyone that there was a lot more where that came from.

"Oh no" Emily moaned. "I left the tap on!"


End file.
